Top Ten Things You Don't Know about Men
By Stephanie Feagan

When I was 9 years old, I moved to a new town, a new house, a new life. And fell in love with Mark Stewart, who conveniently lived right behind me. I knew, the instant I laid eyes on him, I was going to marry Mark. He had everything a woman could want, and by that, I mean he wasn't a girl. Regrettably, Mark didn't discover that girls were different than him until a few years later. I think he was 24. He married a chick named Carol who had five of his babies. In retrospect, Mark was evidently Carol's Dream Man, not mine, but gimme a break - I was 9. What did I know?

Sadly, at 46, I still don't know diddly-squat about men. Oh, I talk about men, a lot, just as every woman of my acquaintance talks a lot about men. We discuss why they do what they do and, more importantly, why they don't do the things they don't do. Like talk. So far, none of us have a definitive answer. Sure, we read that Mars and Venus book, we watch Oprah, and we spend a lot of time observing the habits of males, but none of us are any closer to figuring them out.

Therefore, in the interest of science and the curiosity of women everywhere, I decided to do a bit of research, combined with my own personal observations and commentary from the males in my life. I avoided asking other women for their opinions. This is primarily because I wanted this article to have a humorous bent, and women, they can be so persnickety when it comes to men. Persnickety in the sense of pissed off. Why, when they make us so mad, do we remain fascinated with them? Maybe because, as annoying as they can be, they're hot. And they do that whole protective thing, and damned if they can't be adorable, even when they're lost in the middle of nowhere, or fixing the leak good enough to earn the plumber an extra hundred bucks, or spouting off a thirty-minute lecture about how to take care of a problem when all we wanted was to vent a little.

Ahem.

Without further ado, here are some interesting tidbits I gleaned in my quest for Fun Facts about Men. If only I'd known, all those years ago, perhaps it would have been me with five of Mark's babies.

On second thought, ignorance is sometimes, indeed, bliss.


Fact 1: Men would rather be impotent than bald.
Don't believe it? Neither do I, but I'm not making this up. This is based on a survey, although the specifics weren't mentioned. I'm assuming the survey was made among a group of hairy eunuchs. My husband suggested this was a survey of hair models who ran out of Viagra. He said he'd rather be dead than impotent. Not sure, but I'm guessing Father-of-Five Mark would agree.

Fact 2: Men search for opportunities to cry.
I heard a lot of sniffles at the end of Million Dollar Baby, and most came from the man sitting next to me. He's also the man who sleeps next to me. At least, he sleeps when he's not worrying about going bald or getting laid. But he doesn't cry. At least not when it would be entirely appropriate to cry. Like when I say, "Not tonight." No need to go into the reasons - we all know they'll do anything to avoid looking like a sissy. But in a dark theater, all bets are off. They like to cry, and they're insanely jealous of our ability to do it anytime, anywhere, for any reason.

Fact 3: Men are preoccupied with death.
This starts at birth and lasts until, well, death. Little girls play with dolls, nurture and give life, over and over. Little boys die a lot. They always go out in a blaze of glory, giving their life for God and country, their woman, their dog, their baseball team, whatever or whomever seems to be most at risk that day. Then they get up, go home, and wake up the next day ready to die all over again. When they become full-grown men, they still imagine giving their life protecting what they hold dear, what belongs to them, what they're sworn to protect. It really aggravates men that we don't understand this or properly appreciate it, so I told my husband how glad I am that he'd die for me. He asked if I was glad enough to have sex with him.

Fact 4: Men's biggest worry is that they don't sexually satisfy their woman.
It's true. All that bravado and braggadocio is cloaking a severe lack of confidence. What if he can't get it up? What if he can't keep it up? What if we don't have an orgasm? What if we fantasize that he's bigger, or different, or another man entirely? What if we say no? Does that mean no, like not now, but maybe later? Or does no indicate a more permanent condition? Are we thinking of leaving him? Is it because he's not big enough, we didn't have an orgasm, he has nose hair? What? If this sounds familiar, it is. We do the same thing, just with different parameters. We worry about going to pot, being traded in on a newer model. He worries about sex. We may think he worries about money, or the kids, or the state of the relationship, or world peace, or his golf game, but the harsh truth is, his only real worry is sex. Like when he can have it. And as soon as he gets some, he worries about when he can have it again. This, my friends, is a fact. Except for those hair model guys in the survey.

Fact 5: Dogs aren't man's best friend - we are.
Sure he has buddies. They hang out and watch football and do manly things together, but when it comes down to real friendship, you're it, babe. Most women don't realize this. They've got friends, close ones. They share their innermost thoughts and secrets, advice and affection. Men don't do that with other men. They don't actually do it with us either, but they share the important-to-men stuff, like money and protection and a play-by-play of the game we were dumb enough to miss because we insisted on doing our own thing, like laundry. To be fair, they do share affection, but this is generally thought to be a prelude to sex. Or a distant second best.

Fact 6: Men think sex equals love.
Women really, big time, don't get this concept. Women think love means romance and saying "I love you" and him taking out the garbage without having to be reminded. We equate love with flowers and gifts and sweet things he does for us, like giving us thong panties for Christmas. To men, the ultimate expression of love is sex. More sex is more love, and they appreciate all opportunities to give in mass quantities. I'm dead serious about this. My research subjects insisted this is so. In fact, they all wanted me to stress that every woman who reads this should stop after this fact and immediately express to their man how much they love him, the Manly Way. They also said all monetary appreciation from your men should be sent in care of my husband.

Fact 7: Men read women's magazines - whenever they can get away with it.
No, they don't read the articles about home decorating, or cooking, or child-rearing, or weight loss. They read advice columns and sex articles. They really want to know what gets us in the mood, how to find our G spot, and, most importantly, if we think nose hair is all that much of a turn-off. If you don't believe me, booby-trap your latest issue of Cosmo, leave it in the bathroom, and see if he reads it. A few years ago, I noticed the husband kept feeling my nipples during sex. After I told him his hands were needed elsewhere, I asked why the hell he was suddenly so preoccupied with my nipples, and he said he "read somewhere" that if a woman's nipples are hard during sex, that means she's enjoying it. I suggested there are better clues, like that I'm awake. Later, I saw an article in Redbook about signs of arousal. Yeah, whatever. If only he'd read that article about vacationing in Italy.

Fact 8: Men don't just love The Godfather - they want to be The Godfather.
Think about it: The Godfather commanded respect, and when he didn't get it, he kicked ass. With machine guns. He got laid a lot, ate good, made tons of dough, his kids loved him crazy, and he got to wear cool hats. He also knew it was Barzini, all along. Your man knows it's Barzini, which means he knows the score. Appreciate this. Embrace it. Understand it. Leave the gun and take the cannoli.

Fact 9: Men think they're better than us.
Yeah, yeah, they know all about the feminist movement, and they get it that we can make the bucks and give birth and bake cakes. But they're stronger and they can make more bucks and they've got all those swimmers, just waiting to overpopulate the world. They can kick a football farther, play air guitar better, and they really get quantum physics. If they're a little fuzzy on the details, they can bullshit their way through it with finesse and grace while we weaker humans would actually admit we don't have a clue. There's also that death thing. When it comes down to it, they'd die and we wouldn't. They'd give up the lifeboat and drown to save us. Therefore, regardless of the lip service they give to equality, peel away the layers of societal niceties and you'll find a man who's convinced he's better than us. Superior. The one and only thing he has to make allowances for is sex. We got what he wants, sisters. Vive la difference!

Fact 10: Men think about sex every twelve seconds.
Really. This is documented research. I just forgot where it's documented. Doesn't matter, because I can personally attest to this fact as I'm sure bazillions of women can. In case you haven't been following along, sex is a very, very Big Deal to men. You can actually increase the frequency of his thoughts of sex from every twelve seconds to every three seconds. All you have to do is mention things like nipple, or G spot, or dishwasher.

There you have it. Ten scintillating facts about men that you didn't know. Well, you probably did. Just like you knew it was Barzini. But don't let on. Let men think they've got one over on us. It's the least we can do, seeing as how we don't have to worry about impotence. Or nose hair.
 

Stephanie Feagan's third book in the Pink Pearl Series, Run for the Money, will be available in April, 2006.

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Our Favorite Flowers

Gardenias. Mmmm, they smell so yummy. - Anne Mallory

My favorite is a vinca since I never, ever kill those. And they're beautiful! - Jill Monroe

My favorite flowers are bluebonnets. In Texas in the spring, you'll see them all along the highways and in fields, gorgeous carpets of blue flowers that make you want to stop and take pictures or just sit and look at them for a while. - Pam Payne

I love all flowers, but daylilies are my favorite. Any kind of daylily will do. I always try to keep a fresh bouquet on a small table at my front entry. They're beautiful to look at, and they fill the entire house with a wonderful aroma. - Theresa Ragan

I love the smell of hyacinths. And their pale purple color is pretty. But I think the flowers that make me the happiest when I see them are daffodils. When I see those yellow blooms, I know winter is pretty much over. - Trish Milburn

I love to fill the house with huge, fragrant bunches of lilacs! - Lee McKenzie

Wow, this is like asking me to pick a favorite child! I think it changes with the season. In the spring, you can't beat a gorgeous bearded iris. Later in the summer, I'm crazy over my white clematis with its saucer-sized blooms and my showy peonies. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't adore my black-eyed Susans and my sunny heliopsis. In my own garden, my single favorite specimen is a false goat's beard (white blooms) because of the amazing stature it reaches. I also love to listen to the bees it attracts. But if you put a gun to my head and force me to choose, I guess the lowly daylily is my favorite. They're low maintenance, thrive just about anywhere, and multiply and spread nicely. I also find it incredibly soothing to dead-head my daylilies when I get home from work and before I think about supper. Preferably with the sun on my face and bees buzzing in the background on the goat's beard or the tall speedwell. - Norah Wilson

This is a tough question - I love flowers! And I love them for different reasons. I love feverfew because it's so hardy and lasts forever in my garden, and it makes a great filler in bouquets. I love daffodils in the spring because they're so cheerful and lilacs because they're so old-fashioned and smell heavenly. And I love fistfuls of sweet peas, and the drifts of wild marguerites, foxgloves, and poppies in our fields, and a fat vase stuffed with sunflowers on my kitchen table. But if I had to choose just one favorite, it would be delphinium. What a show-off of a flower, but the statement they make at the rear of the garden, and the way those elegant, fluffy stems fill a tall vase - oh, my. - Terry McLaughlin

Favorite flower. That is a tough one. I love to garden so it really is hard to choose. Right now azaleas are blooming in my yard. They just cover the landscape in color. I love impatiens. They do well in my shady yard until the summer heat kills them off. I went to high school near Spokane, Washington, where they have the Lilac Festival every year. I love lilacs. They don't grow in the Deep South, and I miss them. I would say they are my favorite. - Merrillee Whren

I'm with the "how do I choose?" crowd, but - gardenias. They shine like the moon and smell like heaven. Oh, and English stock. Such old fashioned, delicate colors, and you have to smell the scent to believe it - like cinnamon and fresh cut melons. - Bridget Stuart

No fair! There's too many to choose from, but if I have to, have to, I go with pansies. They're hardy, colorful, they re-seed themselves. I love 'em. - Dani Collins

My favorite flower is the hydrangea with its heavy blooms that are really just a bunch of flowers in one. I always get myself one for Mother's Day. - Mary Fechter

Magnolia blossoms are my favorite. I love their soapy lemony smell. - Lorelle Marinello

I love them all, though I kill them. I need to be rich enough to hire a gardener so I can have a lush garden to sit in and read or think. Oh, that sounds lovely. I really like gerbera daisies. I like their open faces (if you can say that about a flower). I love their colors. But then I really like hydrangea - blue and pink. Been known to kill a hydrangea plant or two. Oh, and roses. Big ones and little ones. Of course, those suckers don't like me either. We have three bushes along the side of the house now, and as long as I don't touch them and just leave the pruning and tending to my husband, they seem to do well. He brings me in a bud once in a while so I can enjoy them. - Priscilla Kissinger

I recently bought a potted jasmine, and I've never enjoyed a flower more. I love the pure white color, the delicate trumpet shape, and that heavy, sweet smell. Even the foliage is pretty. Mine is intent on climbing the venetian blind cord. But when I'm not loving jasmine, I love hyacinths. - Kiki Clark

I love flowers, all kinds, all seasons. My all-time favorite is white roses, but nothing says welcome home like a big pot of zinnias blooming on the doorstep. - Karen Potter

Pink roses. Pale pink or hot pink. Long stem, from the flower shop. They make me weep with joy and know for sure there is a God. - Stephanie Feagan

My favorite flowers are the fragrant ones. I love lavender. I love the fragrance of it and use its essential oil every day in my bath oil. Next are roses, beautiful roses, one of the few flowers I grow and love to smell. Third are lilies of the valley. The fragrance reminds me of my aunt, who always used to wear it. - Diane Perkins

My favorite flower is the daffodil because they're the first to add color after a dreary winter. - Janice Lynn

My favorite flower is a "Mr. Lincoln" hybrid rose. I love its crimson color, large blooms, long stems, and strong fragrance. In the late spring and summer, they create a nice perfume with the miniature gardenia planted next to them in one of my flowerbeds. - Maureen Hardegree

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