Ten Tips for Living in an Empty Nest
By Stephanie Feagan

As of August 20, I will enter a new phase in my life, that of the Empty Nest. My 18-year-old daughter is going to college. Like my oldest, she will be more than six hours away from me and I won't have the luxury of seeing her every day. In fact, I suspect I'll be lucky to see her three or four times each semester. To be perfectly honest, I am already dreading it. Not only will I miss her terribly, but her departure signals a new phase in my life - one for which I'm not ready. I have to face the reality of aging, that I'm no longer on the uphill climb, but just peaking, able to look over to the other side of the hill and see a bit of what lies in front of me. I will lose a part of my identity, one which I've had for the past twenty-one years, since the day I gave birth to my first child. I'll no longer be Mom, at least not in the same sense as I have been all these years. In a vain attempt to make sense of this dreaded event and find some solace, I conducted an informal poll of friends who've recently faced the Empty Nest to discover what made the transition easier for them. Here are their suggestions:

1. Get A Job - After her last daughter left home, one friend took a job at Victoria's Secret. She took it not so much for the money but to get out of the house, to feel a part of something and, in her case, to be around young women much like her daughter. She says it's been nice to earn a bit of extra spending money, most of which she uses to buy plane tickets for herself to visit her daughter.

2. Take Adult Education - Another friend enrolled in art classes and learned to paint, something she'd always wanted to do but never had the time. Most everyone has some secret desire to learn something or try a new activity. Perhaps it's needlepoint, or golf. Me, I'd love to play the piano. Perhaps this is the time for me to find a used piano!

3. Get In Shape - Someone else I know went to Curves and spent her newly acquired extra time working out. Thus far, she's lost more thirty pounds and feels great.

4. Work on a Promotion - If you're a career woman, maybe the time after your last child leaves home is just what you need to sharpen your goals, to put extra effort into your position and angle for a promotion.

5. Home Improvement - If you've been eyeing that extra bathroom for the past five years, imagining how it would look painted moss green, with fresh towels and new rugs, this is the time to roll up your sleeves and go to it! (Side note: No one I spoke to recommended doing over a child's room. It's depressing, and there is a certain comfort to spending time in the room as the child left it. Who knew how much you'd appreciate that messy bulletin board?)

6. Go Back to College - I have one friend who went back to school for a second degree and another who returned to earn a teaching certificate. Whether or not you use a degree, education and knowledge can never be a bad thing. And think of all the people you will meet.

7. Become a Money Maven - If the thought of investments and such makes you run away screaming, ask yourself, "Why?" Everyone loves money. And the people who make the most of their money are the people who have the most money. Start small and invest in something, whether it's the stock market or something as simple as CDs at the bank. Buy some good investment books, learn how money works and get yours to work for you.

8. Fall in Love - Whether you're a long-married woman or a single girl, falling in love in your middle years can be a thing of wonder and awe. Several of my friends said the absence of any children in the house did wonders for their marriages, that they now spend more time with their husband, that they're re-learning why they fell in love in the first place. Without the sometimes contentious presence of the children, they're able to focus on one another again. I have a feeling, with all of our money going to college, my husband and I will be spending a lot of time doing things we haven't done since our early years - taking long walks, hanging out at Wal-Mart, planting bedding plants in the flower beds and enjoying the sunset.

9. Volunteer - This is probably my favorite suggestion. It's difficult to remain too absorbed in our own problems or sadness when we're involved with others. Lending a helping hand to less fortunate folks is guaranteed to take your mind off of your lonely household. Go help Habitat for Humanity build a house. Give a couple of days a week to Meals on Wheels. Offer to relieve an office worker at your church. The possibilities for community service are endless. Find your passion and go for it!

10. Discover Yourself - One thing I found most interesting in my informal poll was the continual mention of self-discovery. Almost every one of my friends said the lack of chicks in the nest provided them a lot of time alone, which led to a thought process they hadn't experienced since they were very young. They consider where they're going in life, their purpose and the things that define them as human beings. This ties in to losing our identities as mothers. We're no longer the primary caregiver for another person. We are, instead, the primary caregiver for ourselves. That can be a powerful thing. Use the opportunity to discover who's inside of you, what she wants and who she'd like to be. The answers may surprise you.


Since she was 24, Stephanie Feagan has been someone's mother. She's also a CPA, a writer and someone's wife. Perhaps one day soon, she can add piano player to her list of identities. Her next Silhouette Bombshell, SHE'S ON THE MONEY, is an August 2005 release. Visit her website at www.stephaniefeagan.com.

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Our Favorite Romantic Songs
by the Wet Noodle Posse

My favorite romantic song is "Our Love is Here to Stay" by George and Ira Gershwin, who composed other greats like "Embraceable You" or "Someone to Watch Over Me." "Our Love is Here to Stay" is joyous, containing the wonderful lines: "In time, the Rockies may crumble, Gibralter may tumble; They're only made of clay; but our love is here to stay." - Diane Perkins

My favorite romantic song is "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole. Nat's mellow voice and the heartfelt lyrics always compel me to drag my husband to the dance floor. And I do mean drag! - Maureen Hardegree

My favorite romantic song is "One" by U2. My wedding song was "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. My brother's was "Never Tear Us Apart" by INXS. Yes, we were children of the '80s. - Mary Fechter

For me, it's "Unchained Melody" because it's forever tied in my mind to the scene in Ghost where he sits down behind her at the pottery wheel. Whew! - Pam Payne

Favorite romantic song? The Doobie Brothers' "South City Midnight Lady."  Oh man. It's like a miniature romance, all in a song with beautiful music.
"South city midnight lady,
I'm much obliged indeed
You sure have saved this man whose soul was in need.
I thought there was no reason
For all these things I do,
But the smile that sent out returned with you."
- Stephanie Feagan

Favorite classic? Hoagy Carmichael's "Stardust." I love to slow dance to "Georgia on My Mind." Newest contemporary favorite: Toby Keith's "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This (Unless You Mean it Like That)". Yummy. - Karen Potter

My absolute favorite romantic song is "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. Who wouldn't melt if someone said to you, "In your eyes, I see the doorway to a thousand churches"? - Jennifer Smith (aka Ila Campbell)

Hands down, it's got to be John Hiatt's "Have a Little Faith in Me".
"When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me"
- Norah Wilson

My husband and I both think Talking Heads' "This Must Be the Place" is one of the most evocative love songs ever written. "I can't tell one from another/Did I find you or you find me?" You can find the words (with typos, unfortunately) here: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/talking-heads/135076.html
- Kiki Clark

My favorite romantic song is "There You Are" by Martina McBride.

- Merrillee Whren

I've liked many songs through the years, but the one that endures as my favorite romantic song is "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin, which was on the Top Gun soundtrack. - Trish Milburn

My all-time favorite romantic song is "You Send Me." - Lorelle Marinello

"Making Memories of Us" by Keith Urban. I LOVE this song!!!!!!!!

- Janice Lynn

"Into My Arms" by Nick Cave, totally lush, intelligent and gorgeous. - Trish Morey

Just as I love old black-and-white movie romances, I love old "black-and-white" romantic songs. I've got quite a collection of Rosemary Clooney, Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett recordings, and I'm a shopping sucker for recent renditions of classic standards by current artists like Carly Simon and Harry Connick Jr. It's hard to pick just one, so I'll go with what's in my car right now - the one selection that has me wearing out the "repeat" button: "Time After Time" sung by Carly Simon on her album My Romance. The lyrics remind me how lucky I am to be loving someone who loves me, too. - Terry McLaughlin

My favorite is "Something" by the Beatles.

"Something in the way she moves...."

- Dani Collins

I like "Forever and Always" by Shania Twain. - Stephanie Rowe

 

To read last month's Top 10 article, click here

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