Ten Tips for Valentine Vixenry
By Bridget Stuart

Did you know the word "vixen," far from meaning "sexy she-devil," actually means "a female fox" or "a malicious, bad-tempered woman"? In the true spirit of bad-tempered women the world over let's review the following top ten Valentine tips:

1. Send yourself some flowers with an amorous note, and pretend to be flustered when they're delivered in front of him. Rip the note in half and avoid his eyes: "Oh, they're from Jennifer; she's so thoughtful, but how silly she is! Why should she send me flowers?"

2. Make a reservation at the most romantic restaurant in town that is also extremely hard to find; then argue about every right turn, every left turn, every freeway on-ramp or off-ramp, and keep mumbling comments like, "I knew you should have Mapquested it," all the way there.

3. Give him the Valentine gift of a luxurious spa getaway on his own. Give yourself the gift of some spa clothing and a new overnight bag for the trip.

4. Put on your skimpiest lingerie and sweetest perfume; light candles in the bedroom; kiss him hungrily when he slips between the sheets; then break it off and sigh, turn your back, and move to the other side of the bed.

5. Sing "Someday My Prince Will Come" every time you do the dishes, with a faraway look in your eyes.

6. Re-program his cell-phone ringtone to play a loud, sappy love song. Something by Barry Manilow would be good. For maximum effect, do this before he goes out of town on business or before a night out with "just the guys".

7. When he calls on the phone, let him say, "Hello, honey, this is me," and then say, "Well, hello-o Sergio," in a sexy voice. Unless his name is Sergio. When he freaks out, giggle and say, "Oh, I was just teasing you, honey. You're so cute when you're feeling threatened."

8. When he gives you a box of Valentine chocolate, wrinkle your nose and hand it back to him, with a ticked-off "Haven't you even bothered to notice I'm counting carbs? Don't you care that I work like a dog to keep looking beautiful--and I'm doing it just for you?" Continue this behavior until he apologizes.

9. Throw away his college sweatshirt and when he protests, give a light little laugh and tell him it was for his own good because it made him look even fatter than he really is.

10. Look straight at him with a wounded expression, then let tears start to slide down your cheeks; when he asks what's wrong, just cry harder and keep saying "Nothing, nothing."

And now, since I got your hopes up with that titillating title, here are two "bonus" tips--real ones:

Bonus Tip One: Think Pumpkin

Are you hoping for some good lovin' on Valentine's Day? Here's a clue for you: controlled, double-blind studies have proven the top turn-on scent for men is... Pumpkin Pie. (I presume this is for American men, not Fiji Islanders.) Is that disappointing, or what? I tried and tried to figure this one out. My best guess at an explanation is men associate pumpkin pie with home, or more specifically, with going home for the holidays. This means men associate pumpkin pie with their mothers. Why is this sexy? Because men feel safe with their mothers. Accepted. Loved, admired and encouraged. That would make anyone feel open to overtures, right? So here's what you do. First you bake a pumpkin pie. Then you tell him, "Darling, I love, admire, encourage and accept you so much." Don't add any cheeky variations to that sentence, please. Then before he gets distracted by eating any pie, you whip off your apron and make said overtures. Badabing badaboom!

Bonus Tip Two: Men are Dogs

If you're hoping Valentine's Day will bring the big, romantic moment when he pops the question, this advice is for you. Bear in mind that men are much more like dogs than they are like women. For example, they will be unswervingly loyal if you continue to show them who's Master--you. They need to be given pats and play and food, but they also need to be trained to jump through hoops. Be cautious, though: like dogs, men can smell fear. So strictly avoid the f-word ("fear") and the d-word ("desperation"). Instead, blithely assume his total love and devotion to you while making him question yours to him and implying he may only obtain it by fighting tooth and claw against the other dogs. The ring will soon follow. Ruff, ruff!

Good luck in your kitchen or your kennel...

and Happy Valentine's Day!


When she isn't driving her husband out of his mind, Bridget Stuart channels her regrettable tendency to think devious thoughts and do tricky things into writing sassy women's fiction.

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Our Favorite line of dialogue by a hero in a book or movie

by the Wet Noodle Posse

"You're the kind of woman who needs to be kissed often, by a man who knows how." Rhett Butler to Scarlet O'Hara in Gone with the Wind. - Maureen Hardegree

"I've never done a chair before, have you?" Stuart, in Untie My Heart by Judith Ivory. - Janet Mullany

He stretched his arm across the seat behind her. "This movie's making me horny."
Her heart gave a queer thump in her chest. "Which part? Where Maria sings about the hills being alive with the sound of music? Or is it that do-re-mi thing the kids are doing?" from Nobody's Baby but Mine by Susan Elizabeth Phillips - Theresa Ragan

"What are you looking at, sir?"
"Why, I'm looking at you, miss."
Cora Munro and Nathaniel "Hawkeye" Poe in the film Last of the Mohicans - Trish Milburn

In The Empire Strikes Back when Han Solo is getting ready to be frozen, Leia runs forward and says, "I love you." His reply: "I know." - Colleen Gleason

I love romantic comedies, so my favorite lines are the snappy exchanges in offbeat courtships. Like this one, from Elliot Garfield in Neil Simon's The Goodbye Girl: "Your lips may say no, no, but there's yes, yes in your eyes." - Terry McLaughlin

One of my favorite romantic movies is Moonstruck. Remember, Loretta (Cher) falls in love with Ronnie (Nicolas Cage) while she's engaged to Ronnie's brother. Ronnie to Loretta: "Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either. But love don't make things nice, it ruins everything, it breaks your heart, it makes things a mess. We're not here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. We are here to ruin ourselves and break our hearts and love the wrong people and die! The storybooks are bullshit. Come upstairs with me, baby!" - Norah Wilson

Darcy (Matthew MacFadyen) in the Pride and Prejudice movie: "You have bewitched me body and soul." - Diane Perkins

My all-time favorite line is whenever Ranger says "Babe" to Stephanie in Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels. So much in that one word. - Pam Payne

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