Tips to Keep Your Children Safe
By Colleen Gleason

Last fall, I wrote an article about how to keep yourself safe, drawing from nationally renowned personal security expert Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. This month, I want to take a look at some of the suggestions he-and other child safety experts-have about how to protect something just as important: your children.

1) Be aware.

It's always so awful when we hear the stories about the children who disappear. Amber Alerts are posted. The news coverage follows the story step by step. And we mothers sit there and pray and worry for those children, and in the deepest parts of our hearts, we're so thankful that it isn't happening to us.

We wonder how we can protect our children from those strangers who snatch them into cars or from shopping malls and take off with them. We are diligent when we're in public. We teach our children not to talk to strangers (although, as you'll see below, that's not really an effective lesson).

But with all the sensationalism related to those horrible stories, there's one thing that we need to be aware of: the vast majority of the time a child disappears, or is abused, he or she is hurt or taken by someone known to them or to the family. It's not a stranger.

Let me repeat: It's not a stranger.

This brings me to my first and most important point: be aware. Pay attention. Pay attention to people around you, especially ones who interact with your children.

Does someone seem to have an unusual or inordinate amount of interest in your child? Does your child seem to act differently around that person? Does your child balk if that person suggests an activity that would take them away from you?

Take your cue from your child. If Uncle Johnny wants to take Junior to the circus, and Junior doesn't want to go (what child doesn't want to go to the circus?), there's probably a reason. It may not mean anything; it may not mean that Uncle Johnny has been acting out of line, but it might. Junior might not even be able to articulate why he doesn't want to go, but his instinct tells him not to. (If you read my previous article, you'll see that this holds true: we have instincts that tell us when we're in danger, and we have to learn to listen to them.)

So, be aware. Notice how your children act around others. Pay attention to their moods and their demeanor before and after interactions with other adults or older children.

And listen to your own instincts and intuition. If you have any of the following signs about something, your intuition is probably trying to tell you that something is wrong:

* nagging feelings
* persistent thoughts or worries
* dark humor designed to make light of the situation
* anxiety
* curiosity
* hunches or gut feelings
* doubt or hesitation
* suspicion
* apprehension
* fear

Listen to yourself. You're smarter than you think!


2) Educate your child.

You've got to have that conversation with your child at least once a quarter, especially with younger children. The conversation should include discussion about who can touch them, and where, and who cannot.

Your children should be reminded that no one should touch them in their private places for any reason and what to do if someone does. I make it a game with my four-year-old. I point to her head and I ask, "Who can touch you here?" And she starts listing off everybody that she loves and knows.

"And how about here?" I touch her arm. Same thing.

And so on. When we get to the genital area, I ask, "Who can touch you here?" and she replies, "No one unless you're giving me a bath!" And then I say, "Who touches you here?" and she tells me, "No one!"

"And what should you do if someone touches you there? Or wants you to pull down your pants?"

She tells me, "I tell them NO! And I tell you right away."

"But what if they tell you not to tell? That you will get in trouble?"

"I will tell anyway, because they say that because they don't want to get in trouble!"

That's a key. The child has to understand that no matter who it is, and what kind of threat they might make, that it's okay to tell.


3) Teach your child what to do if they get lost.

Gavin de Becker suggests teaching your child to look for a woman if he or she gets separated from you in public. I think it's a great idea.

Statistically speaking, the vast majority of child predators are male. It sounds sexist, but it's a fact.

Thus, by telling your child to search out a woman if he or she needs help, you're already dramatically reducing the chances that your child will be snatched by a predator.

And if you take it one step further and teach your child to look for a mom, it's even more likely that your child will be safe because, generally, a mom is going to understand your fears and is more likely to take the time to help a lost child.


4) Have a family password.

Create a family password that can be used in times of emergency-for example, when you need to have someone unexpected pick up your child so that your child will know it's safe to go with them.


5) Set a good example.

When my nine-year-old daughter and I were walking out of a store one afternoon, a car stopped next to us and a man called out of the window to me. He was asking for directions, which I was happy to give him...but I kept a generous distance from his vehicle.

After he drove off and my daughter and I walked away, I pointed out to her what I had done. "Did you see how far I stayed away from that car?" I asked her. "I was glad to help that man, but I stayed far away from the car so that he couldn't reach out and grab me if he wanted to."

Even though it is statistically rare for a stranger to snatch a child, it does happen. Teaching some basic safety skills such as never approaching a car when you don't know the person in it can help to prevent these rare events. I used that time to remind my daughter not to ever approach a vehicle that pulls up, regardless of why the person is trying to get their attention.

"They might need help finding their cat, or want to show you something," I told her, "but that could be a trick to get you close, and it's better to be safe than sorry. And why would an adult ask a child for help anyway?"


6) Don't teach your children not to talk to strangers.

We talk to strangers every day! Our children see us do it-at the grocery store, at the bank, to a stranger on the street that we run into. Teaching our children not to talk to strangers and then doing it ourselves is not setting a good-or consistent-example (as I mentioned above).

By teaching your child not to talk to strangers and then doing it yourself, you give mixed messages to your child and dilute what you are trying to teach them about personal safety.

And besides, many children probably think of a "stranger" as someone who is scruffy or grizzly, with a beard and mustache, or is scary-looking. They don't think of the nice man who holds the door open at the store as a stranger.

Mr. de Becker argues that by teaching this blanket "never talk to strangers" not only are we confusing the child-because we do it all the time ourselves-but that we are also inherently teaching the child that anyone he doesn't know is dangerous and hurtful.

Not only is this of course not true (and remember, most of the time someone who is going to prey on a child already knows him), but it also makes it difficult for the child to learn to judge people and behavior, therefore making it even harder for her to learn to listen to her own instincts.


7) Teach your teenage daughter PC.

PC = privacy and control

A dangerous man is not dangerous unless he has PC over his victim; that is, he might have the intention of harming her, raping her, molesting her, but until he has her alone and in his control he is essentially harmless.

He might meet her at a mall, at school, at a party, but until those two things are put into play, your daughter is still safe. So it's important for you to teach her not to give him PC.

Privacy = isolation or concealment.
Control = the situation in which one person is persuaded or compelled to act by the other.

Privacy is more obvious, of course. Cars, hotel rooms, apartments, etc., are all obvious examples of privacy.

It's the control issue that your daughter should be aware of. Lots of times, the victim doesn't even realize she's being controlled or persuaded until it's too late. She goes along with the predator's directions or suggestions because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, or seem nervous, or embarrass herself, or whatever. She allows herself to be persuaded to go somewhere with him, to let him help her carry the groceries to her car or apartment (so he can barge in after her).

The predator manipulates her into doing what he wants her to do.

Teach your daughter to listen to her instincts and to never give PC to anyone she doesn't know or trust.


8) Know the signs of sexual abuse.

There are the physical, more horribly obvious ones:

* stomach and digestive problems
* difficulty walking or sitting
* torn, stained, or bloody underwear
* blood in urine or stool
* unexplained genital bruisings
* sexually transmitted diseases
* pregnancy

And then there are the more subtle ones; of the two, these are probably more important to know because if something's off, you need to listen to your intuition and react immediately.

* sleep problems
* unexplained behavior changes
* hyperactivity

Of course, these three changes could point to many different things affecting your child; but combined with any or all of these others, it's probably a good sign that something is horribly wrong:

* fear of being alone with certain adults
* unusual or exaggerated interest in people's bodies
* wearing excessive amounts of clothing
* inappropriate affection toward strangers


9) Ask questions of your children's friends' parents.

According to Mr. de Becker, "Gunshot wounds are the leading cause of death for teenage boys in America." - white, urban, rural, African-American, whatever.

Get in the habit of asking certain questions when your child goes to a friend's house to play, especially if it is for the first time:

* Will there be any adults there? Who? Will they be there the whole time?
* Is there a gun in the house? If so, is it kept locked up? Is it kept loaded? Where is the key?

If the parents are offended by these questions, or the answers don't ring true (remember to listen to your instincts!) then you might want to consider whether you want your child to visit. Chances are they will be glad you asked because they have the same concerns you do.


10) Read Gavin de Becker's books.

I can't do justice in this space to what he teaches in his books about our instincts for protecting ourselves, so I urge you to read one or both of his books to get the full picture.

The Gift of Fear is about our basic survival instincts and is suitable for everyone.

Protecting the Gift is specifically about helping to keep our children safe. It covers many of the basic ideas I've shown here, but in much more detail, and lots of things I didn't have space to discuss.

And don't just read them for yourself. Buy them as gifts. Protecting the Gift is a great baby shower gift. The Gift of Fear is a wonderful graduation present.


Colleen Gleason reads Gavin de Becker's books at least once per year. Her first novel, The Rest Falls Away, is about a young woman in Regency England who has much of the self-assurance and confidence Colleen hopes her daughter will have when it comes to listening to instinct. Of course, the heroine in her book is a vampire hunter, so that gives her an advantage, but Colleen believes learning to listen to instinct is just as important for normal women too!

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by Dr. Debra Holland

 
Dear Dr. Debra,
My boyfriend says such awful things to me sometimes. But if I confront him about it, he turns it around and somehow I end up being the one who apologizes. Or if I'm upset with him for any other reason, he still manages to shift the blame back to me. I'm going crazy. What should I do differently?
Ms. Crazy

Dear Ms. Crazy,

The first thing you should do is ask yourself why you remain in a relationship with someone who is verbally abusive, crazy-making, and unwilling to take responsibility for his hurtful words and actions. You may tell me that when he's not being like this, he's a wonderful guy, and you hope he's going to change. It probably won't happen. Men like this may go days, weeks, or even months without being abusive; however, the pattern remains. And the longer you are in the relationship, the more the abuse increases—unless he chooses to seek professional help.

My standard rule for anyone who is subject to criticism or verbal abuse being hurled at them by anyone is to leave the room, or disengage from the phone conversation. If you are not in the abuser's presence, he cannot continue to say hurtful things to you. If he follows and continues to be mean or hurtful, grab your car keys and leave the house. If you've hung up on him and he calls back, don't take the call.

However, this isn't behavior that you just spring on him. Before the pattern plays out again, warn him of what you will do the next time he is mean or belittling. Let him know that if you leave, you will return after a few hours, or you will call, and at that point you will be willing to discuss the situation further, but only if he is willing to be reasonable. If he continues in the abuse, you will once again leave or hang up. This way, he knows the future consequences of his actions.

The warning probably won't be enough. You will have to act the next time he becomes difficult. If you don't, you will only teach him that you are "weak" and utter empty threats.

Now for the twisting behavior. Men use twisting behavior to stay in control and get what they want—you to back down. When that happens, you become defensive. You're flustered and put in the position of trying to explain yourself. A few more twists from him, and he wins. You're apologizing or trying to take care of his feelings instead of him taking care of yours. Often you end up doing what he wants, rather than what you wanted when you began the conversation.

A controlling, twisting example would look like this.

You and your boyfriend are supposed to go out. You're excited about the evening and make an effort to look your best. He comes in the door and, instead of giving you the compliment you expect, he critically looks you up and down.
He says: "You're going to wear that? What are you trying to do, strut your stuff?"
(At this point you should IMMEDIATELY cancel your date and ask him to leave. But you don't, so things continue.)
"No, I'm just trying to look nice for you. I thought you'd like this dress."
"Every man in the bar is going to think you're a slut. They'll watch you and want to get in your pants."
"Don't call me a slut."
"I didn't call you a slut. I said other men will think you're a slut."
"Don't talk that way. You're hurting my feelings."
"Well how do you think I feel? My girl the object of other men's attentions. Do you think I like how that makes me feel? You're hurting me."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just wanted us to have a nice night."
"Then go put something decent on so we can have a nice night."
You then go change into another outfit.

Here are four steps to handle a twister.

1. Avoid getting caught in his trap. The minute he turns what you are saying back at you, and you start to explain, you're caught. You become confused because you don't quite realize that you've lost your center. You vaguely feel you're in the trap, but you don't know how to get out. Your efforts to defend yourself and explain your feelings only make the situation worse.

2. Calmly say, "I'm not going to let you twist the meaning of my words." Don't explain or defend yourself. Another thing you can say is, "Right now we are talking about how I feel and what I need from you. We can discuss how you feel after we've settled this." Another alternative is to say, "I don't appreciate the implications of what you are saying."

3. Stick to your original point. In a calm manner, repeat the sentence several times. Every time he tries to get you off the point by twisting or attacking, go back to your point.

4. If you can't find a resolution to the conflict because he continues to be abusive or twist the conversation, disengage from him. Hang up the phone or leave the room. You can try again when you are both calmer.

If you made a mistake and didn't disengage from the conversation, here's how you handle the twist:

He says, "I didn't call you a slut. I said that other men would think you're a slut."
You say in a cold, calm voice. "I don't appreciate the implications of what you are saying. Are you going to be able to set aside your negative thinking about my dress so we can have a nice evening together, or do we need to cancel this date?"
"Now you're trying to call off this date, after all I've planned for tonight? I've spent a lot of money on the tickets to a play that you wanted to see."
"Are you going to be able to set aside your negative thinking about my dress so we can have a nice evening?"
"If you go change, I'll be fine."
"I'm fine with what I'm wearing. Are you going to be able to set aside your negative thinking about my dress so we can have a nice evening?"

At this point, he either caves or continues his twisting behavior. If he continues, you have several choices. You can repeat the above statement over and over again all night long if necessary, which would be boring, or you can call off the date. But whatever you do, don't give in. Because if you do, you will just reinforce his controlling, abusive, twisting behavior because it gets results for him.

A good book to help you learn more about his behavior and your response is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. This is a great read for all women because even if you aren't in this kind of relationship, you may have been in one in the past, might be in the future, or you know someone who is.

Good luck with standing your ground.

Dr. Debra



Debra Holland, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication techniques. You may visit her website at www.drdebraholland.com. E-mail her your questions at drdebra@drdebraholland.com.

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